December’s Flippancy Award: What Would Jesus Do?

clip_image001From the Bicycle Story blog:

Little is known about the All-Powerful Bicycle Lobby (APBL). In fact, until the Wall Street Journal’s Dorothy Rabinowitz made a video last Spring lamenting the APBL’s efforts to “begrime” New York City with Citi Bikes, few people (if any) knew that the group existed. Exactly who they are and the extent to which they influence the world’s affairs remains unclear. But, I had the rare opportunity to interview the APBL and help shed light on their dark conspiracy. In it we discuss their history, their slow and steady reshaping of the free world, their end game, and much more.

Your shadowy organization remained a secret until Dorothy Rabinowitz exposed you in her screed against New York’s bike share this year. How did she discover the truth?

We think it might have had something to do with the 6,000 bright blue bicycles we placed on just about every corner of Manhattan and Brooklyn. Wealthy New Yorkers can ignore all kinds of things—from homeless children to the fact that most of the city’s public schools and hospitals are being demolished and replaced with luxury condominiums—but apparently bicycles are a bridge too far. Looking back, we realize we could have taken a more subtle approach in our attempt to secretly turn New Amsterdam back into Amsterdam. But it’s like Oprah always tells us at our weekly poker games, “Go big or go home, shitheads.”

How long has the APBL been asserting its influence on the world?

We don’t have official records, but we recently uncovered research proving that the Shroud of Turin was actually a towel that Jesus used after he completed his first century ride. (When anyone tells us that biking in sandals isn’t safe, we typically tell them that we actually know what Jesus would do.)

One thought on “December’s Flippancy Award: What Would Jesus Do?”

  1. Dan,

    The article is a hoot but the reference to the Shroud and Jesus underlines an important fact of contemporary life/existence. He is coming back. If I may change metaphors in mid-stream, the Shroud is Christ’s magic carpet which he is riding back into our consciousness. I can envision a magic carpet more readily than a bike as shroud. It’s carpet magically woven by science.

    I said “coming back.” Now I personally don’t recommend rushing down to to Jones Beach or any other handy open space to await the Rapture. Allegories and metaphors are representations of the truth and not always intrinsically true in themselves. That’s why among fundamentalists there are “pre-millenialists” and “post-millenialists.” But the decades of scientific study of the Shroud are beginning to register. He is returning to or consciousness in ways previously unimagined. Perhaps prophesied?

    In Heller’s book, he wrote that after he came into possession of a fiber, he wanted to examine it as closely as possible for blood so he put on his white lab coat and went to his lab where the best equipment was.

    How about this from Revelations:

    “These are the ones coming out of the great tribulation. They
    have washed their robes and made them white in the blood
    of the Lamb.” Revelations 7:14

    Are scientists in their white lab coats bringing Christ to us?

    On the other hand there is Joe Nickell, a man with no scientific credentials per se seeking to debunk the Shroud who loves to pose in a “white lab coat.”

    “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” Matthew 7:15-20

    Can a lab coat also be “sheep’s clothing.

    That may apply to the carbon labs also. There are many articles on the errors of the carbon dating process, but if you want to see one article that covers the waterfront, I would recommend: Emanuela Marinelli, “The setting for the radiocarbon dating of the Shroud” Valencia Conference 2012,

    Sometimes it’s tough sorting out the sheep from the ravenous wolves. Perhaps, it’s the most important challenge of these times.

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