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Esquire Interviews Jesus

This comes to us by way of Fr. Edmund Camacho, a blogging “Filipino-Canadian Roman Catholic priest.”

This month’s Esquire features a series of interviews with “people you can’t forget. People whose accomplishments and influence are vast.” One of the interviews is a fictional/satirical collection of rather clever quips from “Jesus H. Christ.” Here’s a few of His most interesting remarks . . .

  • Those given the most credit are the ones who neither need it or deserve it. Miley Cyrus thanking me for winning an MTV award, for instance—that was all you, sweetheart.
  • They’re all solid in their own ways: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and, I guess, John. But you should have heard me in the “Q Gospel.” Never made it into the Bible. Lost to time. But it was like a “Jesus’ Greatest Hits.”
  • Shroud of Turin? Not me. The piece of toast, however . . .
  • For the record, I wasn’t a carpenter. I was atekton. It’s an old word for handyman. You need lots of stuff fixed, you call a tekton.
  • The ones I like: Lord of Hosts, King of Kings, J.C., Lamb of God, Prince of Peace, Immanuel, Sweet Jesus in Heaven, the Light of the World, the Bread of Life, the First and the Last, the Gate and the Way. But Jesus is fine. My friends call me Jesus.
  • I have no idea who the hosts are or why I’m lord of them.
  • It’s either pre-Easter or post-Easter, if you know what I mean.
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